G’day Australian Care Package Fairy
It’s been more than 2 years now since we traded in our thongs (flip-flops) and sunnies (sunglasses) to move to Glasgow, Scotland. We’ve had a fair suck of the sav (given it a good go) but find we have a few cravings.
Don’t get us wrong. It was a ripper (great) decision. We love it here and they don’t mind us Aussies. We’re even getting used to the local lingo (slang).
But, we gotta say, we don’t miss the bloody spiders, the stinking heat or the dust storms.
There’s a few things we wish we could’ve brought with us, or could get over here. That’s why we’re writing to you, the Care Package Fairy.
Help us create an Aussie Biosphere in Scotland
We’ve included a shopping list at the end, but for now here are some things we thought you might send over so we can set up an Aussie Biosphere: A little place that gives us a taste of Australia in Scotland. The Aussie Biosphere will let let us do the following things - with a few modifications.
Have a barbie (BBQ) - in the arvo (afternoon) so we can sizzle our snags (sausages) and our hoppy (kangaroo) steaks. Leave out the blowies (flies), wasps and smoke.
Walk bare foot – because wearing socks all the time makes our feet soft.
Sleep naked – without wearing 10kgs of bed covers or trying to sleep through the hum of the air-con.
Swim in an open-air pool in our boardies (swim-wear) or budgie-smugglers (dick-togs) – without needing to wear SPF50+ sunscreen or a boiler suit.
Feel the gentle morning sun on our face – like it is before 7 am and no hotter than 25C.
Feel some gentle sea breezes – max 5 Knots to avoid the dreadlocks.
Motor cycling – without the black-ice and 18 or 22-wheeler semi-trailers (lorries).
Celebrate - Australia Day, ANZAC Day, the Melbourne Cup, Family Day and the other 7 public holidays (bank holidays).
Watch the cricket – we’ll even hide the sand-paper.
Watch an Aussie flick (movie) – Priscilla Queen of the Desert or Mad Max will do fine.
Visit the drive-thru Bottle-O - to grab a slab of coldies (beer) for the esky (cooler) without having to get out of the car. They call it an Off-Licence here but you have to walk in to get your grog (booze). Would you mind throwing in some stubbie holders (beer coolers) too please?
Listen to the birds – throw in some Kookas (Kookaburras), Maggies (Magpies), but not during breeding season (they attack for no good reason). We’d also like a Lyre bird, some Cockies (Cockatoos), Parrots and Pelicans. You can keep the Plovers and Cicadas.
You’d better add a Gum Tree or two. And an old rocking chair so we can watch the drop-bears (koalas).
P.S. We DON’T need any of these
Sharks - unless they’re deep-fried in beer-batter with a side of chips.
Crocodiles – unless they’re served with a nice side-salad or as a handbag that will fit my iPad.
Blue-box jellyfish or blue-bottles – and none of that beer with the F that comes in brown bottles.
Sting-rays or poisonous Platypus – you gotta watch those blokes (males) with the spurred hoof (foot).
Henta virus-carrying fruit bats – they’re noisy bastards anyway.
Attack-mode birds – no mating Maggies, protective Plovers, crazy Cassowaries or dim-witted Emus will be accepted.
Stinging ants – no green, fire, bull or jumping-jack types. And no stink-bugs either.
Blood-sucking, disease-carrying, biting, flying insects – no Horse-flies (Clegs), wasps, hornets, sand-flies or Ross River Fever-carrying mozzies (mosquitoes). And no leaches or ticks. They can all GTF.
Snakes – no black, red, brown or yellow-bellied, flying or falling legless reptiles allowed. Gheckos will be accepted.
Full-metal-jacketed, red-backed, white-tailed, baby-carrying spiders – we’re not here to F spiders.
Mutated, nuclear-proof cockroaches – we don’t need any distractions while we’re watching the cricket.
Sea-lice, head-lice or flied lice – it’s fried rice you plick! (Lethal Weapon 4)
Deadly Stone-Fish or destructive Star-Fish (Crown of Thorns) – who invited them anyway?
Wart-covered, tyre-marked, venom-spitting Cane Toads – unless you throw in a golf club.
Bunyips or the Kadaitcha Man – we’re still learning to deal with the wild 3-legged Haggis.
Here’s that shopping list we were talking about.
Fruit and Vegies
Japanese (Kent) Pumpkin - or Queensland Blue if that’s all you can find.
Aussie pawpaw (papaya)
Thick, tender, juicy steaks – scotch fillet or rump will do nicely – that you don’t have to sell your left kidney for.
Aussie bacon – nice and thick, properly dry-cured and doesn’t feel or look like raw meat.
Mainland Vintage Cheese - 24 mths, 36 mths when it’s available. (Yes, we know it’s Kiwi, but it’s soooo delicious).
Bornhoffen Acidophilus Natural yoghurt
Eureka Lavender Oil – the 100ml bottle that lasts about a year.
Lucas’ Pawpaw Ointment - a tub for the bathroom and a tube for the handbag.
Milo – the largest tin they make. Pop into Costco for the 2kg size.
Masterfoods BBQ sauce – not the smoky type, that’s all we can find here.
Holbrooks Worcestershire sauce
Sanitarium Weetbix - with bran balls please.
Macadamia oil – cold-pressed of course.
Ayam Satay sauce - in the tin, the hot one. Mild is for pussies.
Bickford’s Lime Cordial
Bickford’s Lemon, Lime and Bitters Cordial
Nobby’s Beer Nuts - we miss nibbling them.
Nobby’s Salted Macadamia nuts
Buderim Ginger pieces - coated in dark chocolate.
Angus Park dried apricot halves - not Turkish, they’re not tangy enough.
Samboy BBQ chips
Samboy Salt and Vinegar chips
Nestle Chokitos - to ‘get us going’.
Violent Rumbles (Violet Crumbles)
Cadbury Snack and Top Deck chocolate
Tim Tams - regular and double-coated dark chocolate.
Mint Slice biscuits
Pavlova – fresh cream, passionfruit, strawberries and Kiwi fruit on top please.
Fruit cake - that’s so heavy you can use it as a door-stop.
Allen’s Chico Babies - chewy, choc-flavoured jelly babies.
Allen’s Snakes - throw in a python or two.
Natural Company jelly babies and dinosaurs
Frosty Fruit ice-blocks
Sunny Boy Cola triangles
Chocolate Paddle Pops
BBQ chicken - rotisserie style, cooked over charcoals if you can.
Chips with chicken salt
Pineapple and banana fritters
Yatala beef steak pies in flaky puff pastry
Yatala apple pies in crunchy shortbread pastry - with fresh whipped cream.
Frozen Coke from Maccas (McDonalds or Mackie Dees)
The original, proper-tasting KFC - the stuff over here tastes funny.
If you could roll that all up in a swag (things in a blanket in a tarpaulin) and send it across, it’d be much appreciated.
Hugs and kisses from your favourite Auswegians
O O X X